Of Alcohol and Catnip
by Agents of Secret Stuff
Summary: In which Lucy decides that she is the only one in Team Natsu with any amount of sanity left, and has solid — well, more like half-liquid-half-soild, but it's close enough — evidence to prove it. xporcelain's Secret Santa present from... AkumaNoKiseki!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.  
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**Pairing: BEAUTIFUL CRACK COUPLES.  
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**To: xporcelain**

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><p>Sometimes, Lucy wondered why she was part of Team Natsu. Not because she was significantly weaker than the rest of them, or because her last name was the only one that had more than three syllables, but because of her mental state.<p>

Because for some odd (and it wasn't really all that odd, now that she thought about it) reason, she seemed to be the only person with any _sanity_ left in Team Natsu.

She confirmed it on the night they came back from Tenrou Island, after the seven year time gap.

"More booze!" Cana shouted, slamming her barrel of beer on the table. She quickly downed the barrel that was handed to her. "Ha, take that, you shitty dad! I've finished one more than you!"

Gildartz smirked and grabbed another two barrels and gulped them down in quick succession. "There's no way I'm losin' to my own daughter, ya hear?" Cana laughed and chugged down another barrel, and a drinking battle ensued.

Lucy sighed from her spot at the bar, as she was, as always, the only sober person in the guild. Wendy had already fallen asleep, so she didn't count. Lucy swirled the wine that Mirajane had given in her glass, then set it on the counter, sighing again. Her eyes scanned the guild, looking for her team.

She spotted Gray first, who, as usual, was stripped down to his boxers. What _wasn't_ usual, however, was how he was straddling a shirtless Elfman. Lucy slammed her head on the table to make sure she wasn't delirious. When she looked up again, however, Gray was still on top of Elfman, and _holy_ _shit_ _where did his boxers go?_

Two seconds later, Gray drooped over in a dead faint, and it was then that Lucy noticed that Elfman was unconscious, a tankard of beer held in one muscular hand. She felt a dark aura beside her, and found Juvia giving Elfman a death glare.

"Elfman-san is after Gray-sama too, now? Juvia has another love rival..." the water mage hissed, then proceeded to get hit in the face by an empty beer barrel.

"Just pass out already, Gildartz!" Cana yelled.

Lucy shook her head and sighed. She then felt someone's warm breath on her shoulder, and screamed, lashing out at the person. She heard a feminine growl to her left, and turned to find Erza sitting beside her with a flushed face and hazy eyes.

"You smell nice, Lllllllllllucy," Erza purred. She put a hand on Lucy's thigh, and the Stellar Spirit mage squealed, jerking away from the Knight.

"E-Erza, what are you— Is that a Strawberry Martini in your hand?"

"Mmm, yeah, that's it. You smell like strawberries..." Erza mumbled.

"How many have you _had_?" Lucy shrieked.

"Only about thirty-six," the scarlet haired woman said. She groped Lucy's chest, making the blonde scream loudly and shove Erza away. Lucy's eyes widened when she saw Erza land on Charle, and for a few panicked moments, thought she may have killed the Exceed, before the white head of a feline popped out from Erza's arms.

"What are you trying to do, you stupid Spirit mage— Whoa!" Charle began to yell, but was cut off when Erza nuzzled her chin into Charle's fur.

"Strawberries..." Erza purred. "I lllllllllllike strawberries..." She hugged the protesting Exceed closer. "You smell just like my strawberry cake, Charllllllllllle."

"Get off of me, you beas— Kyaa! Don't do that! I knew I shouldn't have let Wendy wash me with strawberry-scented sham— Hey! Don't bite me, you stupid mage, I'm not ca— Ow! Ugh, stop purring like Happy—"

Lucy quickly turned away and tried to block out Charle's distressed cries. She groaned and massaged her temple and got up to leave before she was attacked by a flying ball of blue.

"LucyLucyLucyLucyLucy guess what Mira made me some catnip wine and it's so goooooood and tasty and you should have some Lucy really it's so nice and sweet and _fullofcatnip_ and CHARLLLLLEEE WHY IS ERZA HUGGING YOU CAN I JOIN IN TOO I HAVE CATNIP," Happy said all in one breath. He flew over to where Charle was held hostage, but before he could even get close, Erza batted him away.

"Go away, Happy. You don't smell like strawberries. You're not allowed here. But _you_ are, Lllllllucy," Erza eyed Lucy with a —_lustful? _Oh _hell_ no— gaze. Lucy paled and backed away, but bumped into someone.

"Sor— Loke?"

"I heard someone say catnip," the Lion said seriously.

"CATNIIIIIIIIIIIIP!" Happy exclaimed, and Loke rushed over immediately. Lucy took the chance and raced out of the guild. Once outside, she sighed and leaned back on a tree.

"Really, will it kill them to go a day without alcohol?" she grumbled.

"Mmmm..." she heard someone moan from the other side of the tree. Her face scrunched up in confusion, and peeked around the tree out of curiosity. She spotted pink, and immediately jerked her head was no freaking way that was _Natsu_—

"Ahh..." the voice, which was unmistakeably Natsu, moaned again. Lucy's face flushed red. Sloppy noises could be heard, and Lucy went even redder. Finally, after ten more seconds of listening to all those noises, Lucy jumped out from behind the tree and shouted,

"Natsu, that is _disgust— _What the hell are you doing?" Natsu didn't seem to hear her and moaned one more. Lucy promptly slammed her head into the tree, beside Natsu, and walked away with shaky legs and a bleeding forehead.

"I didn't see anything, I didn't hear anything, and Natsu most definitely _did_ _not_ just make-out with a _tree_—"

And then Lucy fell over into a dead faint, white foam spilling from her open mouth.

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><p><strong>Have fun guessing your Secret Santa!<br>**

**Thanks for reading!  
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